


Just Say No

by Anonymous



Category: Political RPF - US 21st c.
Genre: Alcohol, American Politics, Assassination, COVID-19, Cocaine, Comedy, Donald Trump Dies, Fascism, Financial Issues, Gen, Humiliation, Irony, Legal Drama, Manipulation, Medical Abuse, Medical Inaccuracies, Murder, Objectification, Phonetic accent, Poisoning, RPF, Racism, References to Drugs, Reverse psychology, Satire, Screenplay/Script Format, Sex Work, Slurs, donald trump has covid-19, eye dialect, maga hat, united states secret service, urine kink
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-04
Updated: 2020-10-04
Packaged: 2021-03-07 18:08:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 806
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26821912
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: Scene: A doctor's administrative office. TRUMP'S DOCTOR, an adult of ambiguous gender wearing a labcoat and goggles, is muttering to themself and shifting papers around on their desk.
Relationships: Vladimir Putin & Donald Trump
Comments: 1
Kudos: 5
Collections: Anonymous





	Just Say No

**Author's Note:**

> This is a work of satire.

(Scene: A doctor's administrative office. TRUMP'S DOCTOR, an adult of ambiguous gender wearing a labcoat and goggles, is muttering to themself and shifting papers around on the desk.)

DOCTOR:

What was that drug that seemed to be working and then killed the patients dead? Ah yes, that's the one. Hmm. I could just give it to him, but then I'd be on the hook for killing the President, and there are other things I'd like to do with my life.

DOCTOR:

(lifts finger in realization)

DOCTOR:

Ah, no, I got it.

(Cut to scene: A hospital room. Trump-related posters cover the walls, ceiling, and door. A “Make America Great Again” hat dangles from an IV pole, currently not in use. DONALD TRUMP is lying on a hospital bed with guardrails down. His breathing is labored. He whimpers in pain. DOCTOR enters the room.)

DOCTOR:

There's a drug I didn't try on you.

TRUMP:

Why did I even hire you? I've never done drugs. Never. Drugs are coming across the border. If you try to give me a drug I'll fire you.

DOCTOR:

Didn't you do cocaine?

TRUMP:

I did not shoot cocaine off a hooker's tits, but if I did, they'd be the biggest tits you've ever seen. Worth it. Worth it.

TRUMP:

(visibly reconsidering) You were saying about cocaine?

DOCTOR:

I cannot get you cocaine.

TRUMP:

Fired. You're fired. You...

(TRUMP is interrupted by a fit of coughing.)

DOCTOR:

(edging back) You get some rest.

TRUMP:

(wheezing) Build the wall.

(TRUMP's eyes are fixed on the MAGA hat as the scene fades to white.)

(Scene: The administrative office. DOCTOR is running their hands through their curly hair.)

DOCTOR:

Okay, clearly I'm taking the wrong tack here.

(DOCTOR pulls a mobile phone out of their pocket and begins to dial a number. Fade to black.)

(Scene: The hospital room. Sad music plays. TRUMP is in the hospital bed, but this time, the rails are up. TRUMP is sleeping. He wakes up and the sad music stops.)

TRUMP:

(tries to shout “Nurse!” but it comes out as a voiceless scream)

TRUMP:

(quietly) Fuck.

(TRUMP presses a large red button. Next to it is an equal size blue button. DOCTOR comes running.)

DOCTOR:

What's your emergency?

TRUMP:

(whispering as loudly as he can) The bedrail down! Down! You're all idiots.

DOCTOR:

Yes, yes. You know, my friend has been talking about this new treatment.

TRUMP:

Down!

DOCTOR:

(putting the bedrail down) He's a good man, real good man. We go out for beer all the time. (under their breath) Or used to.

TRUMP:

(even quieter) Speak up, I can't hear you.

DOCTOR:

And he keeps up with the news, you know, on television and everything, and he saw something about a study, they give this drug to patients, you know, people that are sick, and, boom! Those people were doing better—not all of them, you know, maybe eight, maybe nine percent—they were doing better, a day later, two days later they were doing better.

TRUMP:

(with renewed energy, but still quietly) Why haven't you given that drug to me?

DOCTOR:

Well, you know, I really shouldn't.

TRUMP:

(breathing hard) Why not? I'll pay. I can pay for it.

DOCTOR:

My friend says it's on the news, but I can't do it just because it's on the news, you know. Regulations, I'm a professional doctor.

DOCTOR:

(as an afterthought) Besides, it wasn't approved. Safety concerns.

DOCTOR:

My friend says any chance is better than none, but that's not how the FDA sees it. If there's people dying on it, you know, they don't hand it out.

TRUMP:

(rasping) They'll give it to me.

(DOCTOR smiles triumphantly. Cut to black.)

(Slow fade in. An interview room, as those used on live television. DOCTOR, wearing their customary lab coat but with the goggles down around their neck, stands a generous six feet away from AN INTERVIEWER, who is dressed in women's formal attire.)

INTERVIEWER:

Is it true that you gave President Trump an experimental treatment that caused his death?

DOCTOR:

I did administer to President Trump the experimental treatment that has been implicated in his death.

INTERVIEWER:

Why have you not been arrested by the secret police? Er, sorry, the Secret Service?

DOCTOR:

(smug) There are no grounds for a case.

(Cut to the hospital room. TRUMP'S DOCTOR holds a camera.)

(Cut to the in-scene camera.)

TRUMP:

Give it to me! Give it to me! It's not going to fucking kill me! Use the fucking—

(Cut to Putin's penthouse. PUTIN is sipping vodka and watching the interview play on the news.)

DOCTOR:

(from the television) There is a tape of him begging.

PUTIN:

While three escorts peest on him, yes.

PUTIN:

Not much use now. Pity.

INTERVIEWER:

(from the television, sadly) Death pays all debts.

PUTIN:

Eef only.

(Fin.)


End file.
